usual slacking in maple.. farming at bain, dwned 1 tengu.. then went to talk to her.. asked her about wad she really meant by *separating for the time being*.. got my answer as i thought.. to break up.. i guess she doesnt even care about me.. be with me cause i was persistent? be with me cause i can afford? be with me cause i can always give in to her? i guess these question are just to make myself feel worst to think that i got used, played and thrown away. i dunno wad to do now.. lie around and let time pass? or just try finding the file name *lusandra*, Ctrl A and hit the Delete button..? its just hard to forget.. i know, this will leave a scar.. a wound that will ache every now and then like my rib bone that hurts every time the cold breeze comes..
i will try to forget.. but i dont think i will be able to.. frankly speaking, im really crashing.. feel like ending my life right now.. but i know that would be foolish.. wad for be so stupid to do that cause of one person? i'd rather do it for my brothers or someone that i really care.. yes i cried when u said that to me in maple.. i just crashed.. couldnt stop till i notice there was no more tears and my voice changed.. when i love someone, i love you wholeheartedly.. i dont go around flinging with other gals.. i just cant stand the way i am.. why am i so tiong xim? why cant i be like my bros? why cant i just let loose and go mad every now and then? why do i keep holding on to that one person only to get hurt over and over again? im STUPID, an IDIOT, a USELESS person..
met up with kai, connie, connie sis and her bf.. just seeing them so happy tgt just makes me wanna emo out.. but i cant.. i dun wanna bring everyones mood down.. i dun like to be a spoil sport.. i wanna be happy with everyone even though i myself could be in a very bad state.. i wanna give up.. i wanna crash and burn.. i cant take this anymore.. back to smoking.. heavily.. Viceroy reds.. coughing, sore throat, no voice but i just wanna make myself sick.. i guess when im terribly ill, no one would come see me at all..
to my brothers and sisters out there.. when i really leave this world.. would u all remember me? would u all cry for me? would u all play my favourite song? Shan Hu Hai.. fen shou shuo bu chu lai.. wo zhen de shuo bu chu lai.. i hate my life.. i lie to myself daily saying that tmr would be a better day.. but its always the same or worst.. im such a useless person.. i can help my friends who are troubled BUT i cant even help MYSELF? i put everyone before myself.. i care for others more then myself..
Connie jie, kai bro, thanks for everything that you have done and helped me ever since i wanted to be with her. i guess, things just dont really go my way. im a failure, i care too much for myself.. i dont care about wad anyone thinks. im selfish, i cant even put myself in someone else's shoes to think before doing.. I HATE MYSELF!! im utterly USELESS, no HOPE, no CURE.. i will never learn how to help myself.. save me.. help me.. i will crash and burn..
with a broken heart..
=Chris=
-CHRIS aka xDS-
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